I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
