There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
