She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
