I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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