the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
