don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
