If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
