Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
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He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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