Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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