Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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