allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
