OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
