Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
