well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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