Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
