dude i'm inner monologue high
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
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Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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