She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
