I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
