then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
