I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
