Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
