I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
