I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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