Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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