i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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