He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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