does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
