Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
