apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
