he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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