seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
