He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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