Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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