Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
