just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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