Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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