she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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