Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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