nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
