you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
