There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
