I wannas sexs uuuuu
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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