I'm jealous of your bromance
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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