There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
