pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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