we have pet lesbian snakes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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