I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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