I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
