ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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