Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!