Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
