I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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