I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
