where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
