just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
