so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
