I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
