I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
