Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
