everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
