u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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