My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
