I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
