Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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